MRS SB! 

Its been two weeks since we got married and life has been beautiful for me. A day more to my 25th and i am pretty much blessed with all that i truly need. 

I didn’t managed to blog a proper post yet due to wife duties. It started right after i changed into my PJ on the Saturday itself. I couldn’t be more blessed to have a husband that help me sweep the whole entire void deck with me alone after the function. We had a memorable staycation and outing together which only lasted 2D1N because he resume work on Monday. So i have been busy doing what i need to and i am always feeling sense of satisfaction whenever my husband ate all the dishes i cook with a smile and a thank you. We managed to visits some of our relatives to show who are new spouse and indirectly to say thank you for being part of our big day. Work resume for me a week after the big day and this lady here cry every single time she got to leave her husband behind for work after her off day. Not once but yeap. 

No doubt i am preparing myself mentally that rocks and storms will come anytime but hey, no matter what, i have made my vow to love and care for you as my husband. So no worries my love, i am here through every phase, in shaa Allah! 

Shift routines drains me out most of the time. But alhamdulillah, Allah swt has always gave me that extra energy i need to do my responsibilities and care for the husband and family before i finally crash on the bed. Even husband is so understanding and always nag at me for doing whatever i am doing because he dont want to be dependent on me and he don’t want to see me burnt out. Hahah. 

Alhamdulillah and thank you Allah swt for allowing me to feel this phase, the wife phase. I never thought i will marry at this age either but i am married and still adjusting. Please guide me through this as i try to give the best for my husband. 

For now, i need to rajinkan diri to kick start my house renovation project! Wedding pun lembabs, rumah pun nak perangai lembabs pemalas. 

For now, can’t wait for common off days with dearest. 

Lots of love 

Mrs SB 

#6

My girls know me best. They knew i will procastinate and i won’t finalise my song list, so they are on it. I failed to finalise it because i gave in to my sleep since it was a transition of afternoon to morning shift today. I just can’t tahan my eyes. But i managed to spend time with my grandfather today, so that is more important to me. 

Time is really ticking that fast. Have i feel anything yet? No, not for now but i am already crying for my leave to start soon because i need a break from work especially. Work has been total nonsense and they are taking my awesome colleagues away to another ward and replacing them with the other ward staffs. Plus changing our discipline too to isolation. We don’t even have a say. Welfare at stake. Can someone just study law and be an advocate for nurses please because we truly need one here.

I remembered my mum asking me if i have any intention to study again, my answer, ‘no but if i ever do want to, i have this strong urge to just take law or whatsoever course that can make me be an advocate for nurses so that i can fight for their welfare! But aiya, for now, i just want to burn my kitchen down (cooking i mean)’

Aku kesiankan diri aku ni sekarang especially part pasal kerja. I strongly believe other nurses are feeling the burn out already. Mehhh, life of a nurse in Singapore. 

Last seen #27, now online #20

I was missing for a week. There goes my plan of updating daily. It was impossible because i always prioritise my hibernation than anything else. Okaylah bedek. More of hibernation after i complete all my other daily necessities.

Life has been good and been busy with work as usual. Supervisor and colleague at work are more excited for me and counting down for me as compared to the Bride herself. Everyone been trying to dig out information about the wedding preparations but girl won’t share it with any Tom Dick or Harry. I will just talk 10-20% and then i will keep quiet. Girl has no time to talk about wedding at work when i have restless patients trying to climb out of bed or patients who are damn fussy and demanding. Endless paperworks and audits everywhere. 

I am still in process to settle down with all the wedding preparations. Just booked videographer few days back at a good deal, lesser than marker rate. Booked sound system for $200 since i have no DJ/kompang. So all the songs will be in it. I have made my booking for my staycation finally. I have booked ice-cream too. I have yet to meet my decor & dais to finalise because they are performing their Umrah now. So end of February it shall be. In shaa Allah, it will go smoothly. 

As much as i am busy with wedding preparations, my mind and heart are both occupied on the life of a wife later. I am worried about it because mine will start immediately since there is no honeymoon. I should consider thinking of menu(s) to cook for the husband when i am on one week leave and plan on how to deal with cooking/bekal when i am back to shifts especially afternoon to morning transition. I guess that will be a bad combo for me as a wife. 

For now, i need to start revising for my course exam. As in soon, not now. Now is to hibernate. Hahaha

#28

No humans are perfect, so is relationship. But we humans tend to seek the perfection due to the expectations. Expectations rises due to social media post. Posts on how someone else other half portray their love. Love story of another stranger that you saw online eventually causes dissatifaction or jealousy. That stir of emotions you felt eventually cost you a broken relationship. But little did you know, you’re the actual cause of your own misery over someone else’s happiness. 

Before we even think we actually deserve someone way better than the one that is already infront of us, what makes we think that we’re the only amazing person out there for them when actually, there are many other individuals for them to choose too? 

This post goes out to you. You, who patiently wait for me every single time i went into my own cave. You, who never fail to tell me that i am worth to be love despite my flaws and my past. You, who loves me more.

Sometimes when i look at you, i ask myself, what did i do to deserve someone like you? Then i realised, Allah knows what i truly need. Allah gift you to me instead of another lady, because in shaa Allah, one day, i’ll complete half of your deen.

#29

When i was small, my ambition was to be a gynaecologist because i love babies! Padahal gynae is not always about handling babies anyway. Back then when you were quite young and you are still learning about life. That explains the mentality i guess. 

I am from a neighbourhood school. Back then during my time, there used to be EM1/EM2/EM3 and my parents decide to choose EM1 since i was eligible for either 1 or 2 back then. Taking higher malay during primary school was a disaster. Keeping up with Mathematics was a disaster too. So once i reached primary 6, i went down to EM2 stream. My schoolmates laughed at me and made fun of me. Some actually appeared nice infront of you but behind you, they speak 101 ill things. Moving on, i made it to express stream and aimed to go to a secondary school far from home to begin a new social circle. 

I made new friends and begin new life. Secondary school life was better. When it came to choosing of which subjects to take for GCE ‘O’s, it was my dad that decide. I ended up in triple science stream. Many people will go ‘wow, you’re smart’ but let me tell you, i am not because i am always second in class from the bottom. Get it? Get it? Especially in my Emaths and Amaths. My maths teacher will always scold me because i talked too much in class. Why? Because i am bubbly back then. One day, my teacher told me to drop my Amaths because i have always been failing and i am pulling the school reputation down. I refused to drop the subject and carry on but honestly, i gave up on Amaths. So i just took my O’s for the fun of it, i got a D7 after getting single digit mark throughout all my school test. The only school performance that i am good at was my CCA. I was from St John. I love going to CCA. It taught me many things from discipline to perseverance. I learned life saving skills and from there i know i want to be in healthcare line and be a nurse. Because it all started with a passion. My friends and teachers know i want to be a nurse. Some do pass remarks like you don’t have to score well for Os to get into Nursing. So i was somehow being looked down at but heck, i don’t bother. Prelim pointers doesnt even allow me to go anywhere, no hope but my O’s pointers allowed me to get to either JC/Polytechnic. I got my first choice, Nursing! 

Polytechnic phase start. I have few secondary school friends in same course as me. People comment why you take this course when you can go other courses, you’re stupid to be doing this. I ignored. I made friends and study through the years. Polytechnic phase got better than secondary school. For once, i performed in school. I made my parents and grandparents proud. 

Graduated and started my first full time career. Being the eldest, my parents pushed me. So of course, they asked me to further my study. I refused because i had my own plan. But it lead to my parents being unhappy, i finally agreed but on a condition, i am not going to further my study in NUS nursing because i have my own reasons. So i took under SIT-UOM. A newly build-up school organization. Something new and unrecognised. Managed to secure a place after interview and informed my senior supervisor but ended up getting being looked down at. Reason, i have zero experience in clinical ground so what makes me think i can perform theoretically for my assignments. That few months before school officially start, i received many setbacks. Cry buckets because i was torn between parents and supervisor. Satu cakap pergi, lagi satu cakap tak boleh. But i proceeded finally after huge setbacks. With my supervisor looking down at me, since the person said i can’t perform, i was determine to perform well. 

Degree phase started and i swear i don’t like my degree days. My classmates were so competitive and lokek ilmu. I can only find a handful that are willing to help you sincerely. Ada pernah tolong abeh ungkit balik. Prrft! Baik jangan tolong. My english is my weakness. Grammar, vocab semua hancur berderai. Thankfully, we don’t have bell curve in our school system (one reason why i put the condition) so i just pushed myself through. Met beautiful people and at an unexpected age, i graduated with a certificate that i never see myself to have. 

By the time i resume work again, i was the first among my friends to complete my school and start my career. Some of my old friends from primary-secondary-polytechnic phase eventually get to know my achievements and started to ask 101 questions because they find it unbelieveable for someone like me who was at the bottom before to be where i am now.

Those life lessons taught me that you will never be at the bottom always. You just need to know your strength and weakness. Use it to push yourself in life. Those people who looked down on you are people who have too many spare time. Biar orang buat kita, jangan kita buat orang. Akhirnya, dengan kata-kata mereka yang pandang rendah kat aku, aku yang berjaya walaupun sekolah tak adalah prestigious sangat pun. You may have high IQ, but if you have low EQ, you can never go far too. That leads me to this…

As much as i started my career with a passion, i lose it along the way because of the people around it and the welfare. We have many high IQs healthcare professional in the line but i have come across those that do not even have any empathy at all towards us, the staffs and the clients. Our profession is full of humanity but heck, i don’t know where they put our welfare seriously. People compare where you graduate from, what are your status etc. I have seen how some dr can’t even do simple things (like talking politely or worse, never say excuse me but use a pen to push my friend aside just so he can have a space to walk, so rude) even when they are taking the most highly respectable course.

So if you ask me, will i choose nursing again if i have a choice? No, i wont. But then again, i am thankful i am equipped with certain knowledge and skills that are helpful for my personal use. Plus, dah tercatit rezekiku ialah sebagai seorang jururawat. At this young age, to achieve all that and see the meaning of life in different forms are blessings too. So i shouldn’t complain but be thankful. Because maybe someone out there was hoping to be a nurse but couldn’t even afford to attend school. We will never know. 

Lastly, i hope people will stop comparing results and schools because you may have high grades and good qualification but you can’t perform well in life with others at work. Because i have feel it myself and heard it from other people too. A nursing ITE girl told me she love nursing, but she wasn’t smart enough to enter polytechnic so she took the longer route. Her GPA was damn good okay but people around her demoralise her down. So people should really just stop comparing. Nursing may be the last resort but not everyone can be a nurse. Its more than just cleaning ass or shower. We become your love ones advocate when drs are doing something that is not in your love ones wish. We are there around the clock as compared to drs. So if you complained there isn’t much nurses here locally, why not you ask how the society view us in the first place?

We are still as human as you. We have a brain and a heart too. Just that other non-nursing personnels were gifted with extra IQ to perform. Without us, you won’t have a complete healthcare system either. Just remember, the grades/certificate/status you have won’t be brought to grave when you die. Eventually, the grave of a high IQ will be the same like a low IQ person. 

I don’t know what i actually want to say as a blog takeaway message but i just wish humans to be kinder with each other because we are seriously on the same level undergoing a life cycle which the same end goal is death (sound so pessmistic eh but correct what right? Its the reality) So why be evil when we should do good right? 

**if anybody got hurt in the process, or feel affected, i hope you will be kinder to the next human you speak to okay? Hehe. Anway, its my blog space…

Lots of love,

Cranky post-pm shift lady

#30

30 days to being a Mrs and i am very much blessed that i met this amazing man who soon, i will call my husband. I will never forget how you decide to take off your earpiece and said the first HI at the bus-stop. The random FB message asking for advice on your swollen pinky and how you said, ‘isn’t it better if you are a doctor and not a nurse’ (i did dream of becoming a doctor but damn, i never regret not being to achieve it after seeing their work routines even if their pay and status is well respected. But now, menyampah lah pula kerja as nurse, hahah) 

You were the only one that was not afraid to meet my parents and happily enter the house when my dad invited you in. You accompanied me day and night at hospital whenever you are free. There are so many other reasons. We just became close but you were willing to go that extra mile to see a smile on my face. 

If Allah swt permits, i would love to share our love story to our children and grandchildren. If ever Allah swt allows me to feel motherhood, i will be excited to show who is their father who managed to soften their mother’s heart. 

Indeed, jodoh itu rahsia. Kau tak lawa macam mana pun, kalau Allah swt dah tentukan jodoh kau, in shaa Allah, jodohmu akan datang pada masa yang tepat. Because i believe i am an ugly lady who don’t deserve to be love after all the harsh words people commented on my outer apperance but Allah swt thinks otherwise. So ultimately, Allah swt has created me perfectly for only certain people to admire and appreciate me beautifully. 

So dear ladies, never give up because we still have Allah swt love. 

Thoughts & Emotions 

I have been coming across too many posts of people losing their partner few months after their wedding bells. To see them trying to pull through each day with so much strength by holding on to the hope of reuniting with their other half in Jannah just breaks my heart more. I cried badly reading their posts especially when this dear self came across this post whereby her late husband pass has the same working pass as Mr Fiance. I kept breaking down all alone because of that. The thought of losing my other half is just beyond words. Yes, i have ego and i always tell myself that this world is a temporary place. Therefore, i should not get attached to things or people too easily. But who am i even kidding? I am very much attached to my Fiance even when i deny it every single time. Too egoistic girl, you should seriously tone down. Knowing how vulnerable i am these days, Mr Fiance have always been here by my side through any means that he can. Even if it means accompanying me through the phone crying till i fall asleep. 

As the big day draws nearer, i can’t stop worrying about Mr and i can’t stop breaking down on the thought on how am i going to be strong if he ever leave me alone to go through each day with just the memories that we build. It all starts with news of friends breaking engagement and  then, stories or post of people losing their partners. I got affected real bad because i know my weakness. My weakness is when i love someone, i start to love hard and when they are gone, i feel a part of me gone with them. Its wrong for me to be like that but its just how i react as a human. 

Times like this, i do hope i will be the one leaving first before him. But at the same time, i couldn’t bear the thoughts of seeing him all alone and in sadness without me by his side like how i have always been there for him to make his day from blue to sunny. 

Whatever it is, this is reality of life. I pray that whatever tests or obstacles that Allah swt is going to let me through in the future, i am all ready for it. I am going to appreciate my Fiance even more. Because all these are bound to be a lesson for me. As much as we are very happy and in love, i know i can make him even happier than now, fill with love and laughter. 

I guess its just the time of the month with the hormones and wrecking emotions. 

May Allah swt protect my Fiance like how i always pray Allah swt will protect my other love ones.