Its been so long since i updated my space. Not going to update anything in regards to wedding because recently, my mind have been filled with mostly about life. Life in a sense that all this is just temporary and the actual fact that the most certain thing that will ever happen to us is eventually death. I tend to think and reflect about life because of the working environment i am in, maybe. Plus recently, my working assignment at work has been draining since i worked 7 days straight with PAPA shift (afternoon to morning shift routine), and it drains your further when your cases are all those that require one to one care for hours because they just start to bleed profusely right in front of your eyes.
However, there is this particular case of mine which really affect me almost every single time i am at work or even when i am off from work. In short, the person is already at the end of stage of life and just waiting for time. What breaks my heart further is that the person age is not much difference from mine and i just got to know the person was just married only for few years. Every single time i entered the room, during the first few days of care, it will be just the person sleeping soundly with some background surah and zikir. Every single time, i enter i don’t even feel i am a healthcare professional or a healthy person but another sister of same religion and beliefs. Then, this strike me – ‘Ya Allah, sesugguhnya kematian itu pasti dan aku tahu satu hari kelak, aku akan kembali kepadamu‘ and that made me reflect so much about life. Some people passed away instantly without feeling any pain but others who are chosen by Allah swt as the special group will go through the slow process of pain before the day comes. As much as i know, it will lighten the person azab in the afterlife, i just cannot stop these emotions i am feeling.
Then came a day, the condition worsen and all i saw was bleeding from all exit point of the person. Whenever the bag leaks, i will always hear the person says, ‘Ya Allah‘ with an expression of being helpless and it so much for the person to handle it. Seeing how the spouse cried and still there by the person side made me realise that a marriage is just more than preparing for the wedding. You may marry a person who is healthy at the point of time and wedding day is full of smiles and happiness but you will never know if the next moment Allah will take it all away. Will you be ready to face all those challenges with your other half especially in times of bad health? I kept asking myself those question and of course, whenever i see the person, i end up controlling my tears because the person that end up in my mind was my Fiance. Ya Allah, kau jauhlah semua ini dari orang orang yang aku sayangi.
As much as the person has chose DNR (do not resuscitate) status but the spouse and parents are still strong to pursue in the care management. In silence, i wish i could tell the spouse that i truly look up to dia but i doubt i could ever do that because i will end up crying like how i am tearing as i type this post out. The condition is starting to pick up back again but i am fearing more of what is in store for them because berat mata memandang, lagi berat bahu memikul. Plus, akhir 100 hari sebelum kematian, the condition is like some good then bad and then it starts to pick up again then the unexpected happen.
Honestly, i could not type the exact emotions i totally feel. It really just makes me want to be on my own and reflect on my life from the day i was born. I flipped through my photo albums and see how i grew up from a girl who was rebellious to a family person. Picture show the story of that captured moment but we humans changed so much. My healthy parents are growing old as each second pass and any moment from now, i may just lose the most precious gem i could ever have. It hurts me and always make me crumble down ever single time i need to see my mum admitted to the hospital. Recently was to see her in a near to faint episode at A&E itself while i was asking for help to make her enter triage faster. She couldn’t even help me to bring herself to the wheelchair but Alhamdulillah, she managed to get the care needed immediately. It is not helping when you’re a nurse and you know more about healthcare. I waited for 3 hours for an update but there wasn’t any update so i ended up seeking permission to just visit her but i was preparing for the worse. But managed to see her smiling like everything was alright and begging me to be discharged. Thankfully, all her blood results and vitals was okay. However, it struck me more that i need to be by her side as much as i can but work always stop me so. If only i could resign and be a house-daughter but reality check, money don’t drop from the sky. But Alhamdulillah, Allah maha kuasa dan memahami, whenever my mum needs me i am always on off days. Life is so fragile and i just don’t want to focus on things that won’t bring me happiness but regrets eventually.
Recent talk with my supervisor for appraisal made me realised that my career is not my priority. Even he knows that i want to resign eventually and my ultimate reason was family commitments. As much as my mother got 3 children to care for her, what and how much i want to care for her its my decision. Even if i will do most, its totally fine because my siblings are still learning about life and settling their study and their own life prospects. I can always find another job elsewhere but i can never find a mother and a mother’s love. She is the only one who was there through every smile and cries of mine, even my heartbreak due to ignorant guy too.
I am a nurse, i go to work nursing other people’s family members just to be treated like a slave or to be complained on for small matters such as not attending to nurse call bell on time because i was saving someone’s else life in another room. I am nursing other people to health but i am leaving my own love ones at home with prayers to Allah that they will be okay and kept safe always because i need to work.
Recent appraisal and achievement at work made my parents so proud of me but i am still certain in finding an alternative career path for myself in the near future. Ultimately, my life goal is my family. I lost my feel for this field but there is a reason why i am still here because without all this expertise, i doubt i could give good care to my love ones. Other people are fortunate to still enjoy life as much as they can without extra commitments unlike me. I do think about it at times because i am still a human. But i am glad Allah gave me all these because it taught so much about life and family. Plus, i am still fortunate to be given the chance to care for them like how they used to care for me when i was still a baby.
Pardon my lengthy emotional post. I guess its just the perk of turning 24 soon. Plus, i am just someone who always reflects so much and indulge in her thoughts. I pray whatever i feel and do is not wrong. May Allah always guide me through and keep my strength going.
Lots of love,
Ms SR ❤️