Just personal views but a long post ahead.
I have seen so many beautiful and flawless ladies out there in the society. Whats more when i managed to see a beautiful lady in hijab looking so elegant and she can really pull off the whole image flawlessly. However, when it comes to imagining myself in it, i totally fail at it. Everywhere i go or any corner i turn, i will always find someone looking that pretty and flawless irregardless of race. Here i am, the only odd lady having acne problems at the age of (soon-to-be) 24! Plus with the current era of society only sees the good in good-looking male and pretty female, it will only make this small group of people like me being looked down at or judged. Yes, i got judged by people about my face.
It all started since puberty as early as 13 years old. I have a family history of acne, just run in the blood. Since 13, i have always faced this issue. It took me 3-4 years before i managed to find the solution to my sensitive and problematic face. Cetaphil (sensitive skin) was my regime till i graduated from Polytechnic and started working. Then the nightmare came back, i had another acne relapsed and it came back like overnight affecting my complexion. That period was a disaster because it affect my self-esteem terribly. My whole life (before relapse), i do not wear any make-up because i am just bad with it plus i love the natural way of my skin back then since i saw the transition of my face from with acne to a better complexion after usage of Cetaphil. Even if i do, it was just eyeliner since my friends introduced it to me.
So that relapsed made strangers of all races and genders approached me in public. They will just stop me in the middle of the way and showed my face to give recommendation. I will just shun them off because you do not know my story and nobody would love to approached just like that especially when its stranger especially when its male. After all, its how Asian people react. I do have male classmates coming up to me and just bluntly telling me off, ‘eh your face why so bad ah?’ and of course, it is painful. Even at work, i have patients coming up to me and telling me all different kind of methods. Pressed call bell and when i came over, their point was to talk about my face. Or some would literally come up to me start a short conversation before coming to the point which was my face. I don’t mind friends but not strangers. Till one day, i started to walk around with a paper in hand and cover my face or i will just looked down. By the way, i have been trying cetaphil and i know my face is so called immune to it already and i tried other methods too.
It haunt me so i ended up seeing the doctor. Oh, i don’t really like eating medicine because i know once you stop it, it may just come back but well, i gave a try. So i started on this Isotretinoin 10mg (accutane) capsules and i am not allowed to get pregnant or my fetus may be distorted and affected because of this medicine (of course, i am not married, so i signed). However, it may affect your liver on high dose so i was on low dose instead. After months taking it, of course it works (with addition antibiotic). Then came a dearest colleague of mine that asked me what i was on because she seeking help too but nothing seems to work. So i said it was accutane and she was previously on it but stop it because she want to start a family. Though doctor said you need to stop a month before starting family planning, you never know if your body has completely detox the medication out from your body system. The reason why my colleague stop and that made me think twice because i know one day, i need to stop this medication since i am going to settle down. Then, i immediately stop my follow-up and convert to just facial regime.
Of course, after six months on it and you stopped, it came back again till now. I have been searching for the right products but i am on the verge of giving up because i have wasted most of my money on this which i could use to save for my future. This happened because society views affected my mindset. It made me think that only pretty ladies can be appreciated and be love because i remembered how this crush of mine (years back) refused to talk to me or even stand beside me as a friend because i was ugly with acne!
I have been in health line since 4 years ago, i seen various people of different genders and ethnics group coming in with different health complication. I don’t really believe that there may be true love because well, lets face it, there are break-ups too. Its everyone fear including mine but i believe you can find true love because i have seen true love being portrayed at work by my own patients from young to old patients. Especially when i see how a husband come down everyday to the hospital to visit his wife and care for her from head to toe. Massage and feed her. I have seen how a malay aunty sleep beside her huge size husband on the bed at night since he having a high temperature. She nearly fell off the bed, offered her a pillow and blanket to sleep on a chair but she refused. That made me pray everyday that i will be gifted with a husband that will care for me even in bad times like how i will be his personal nurse when he is not okay. This experiences made me realised few things. It made me change my view about life and i have more control of my life. Its either i appreciate my life now or i’ll end up regretting it.
Thankfully, i am born with complete 5 senses. I could see how beautiful the world is and i could see who my parents are. I could smell the food that my mother cook. I could hear loving words from people i love. I could taste delicious food. Lastly, i could still work to find my own rezeki and lessen my parents burden. Its just acne and i won’t die from it plus its not contagious. So screw whoever that refused to appreciate me for who i am.
Mr Fiance seen me through all stages since we known each other from young though we are not close back then. He seen me having many breakouts like those cyst-kind. I started to learn about make-up coverage because i felt sorry for Mr Fiance for having a fiancee like me when he could get a prettier girl. I don’t want people to judge him because of me. I started using make-up but i got total rejection from him because i was just faking myself instead. But he is supportive in me finding for the right products and constantly remind me that my acne are fine because its all from Allah. I pray that one day, this acne problems will go away and i could have a clean and clear complexion naturally, plus it would be a great gift for my future husband too right?
I am surrounded by friends with good complexion and somehow, it is a real struggle to communicate with them. However, i do have few friends with the same struggle just like me. They can relate well. A dearest girl of mine had the same situation and her husband is very supportive. I shall take it as a blessing. I may not have a good complexion but i have found a future husband that seen my worse and i hope till afterlife he will love me forever.
As of now, i am starting on another new product recommended by my girlfriend. May it go smoothly for me, In shaa Allah. If not, i really wonder which make-up artist can even do a good make-up on a client with a face like me though but oh wells.
So dearest girls out there, if you are having the same problem as me, please hang in there because you’re not alone. I am in it too! Lets work on having positive thoughts instead. Now, i am no longer the beauty because i just found a beauty in a guy who willing to accept a beast like me 😊
Lots of love,
Ms SR ❤️